Still, Always There
by suspensegirl
Summary: Post 4x11 - Maybe she should have worried more about his intents to speak with Jack, but she couldn't forget his declaration of sleeping with randoms overseas. Subconsciously, she was led to him, because even now she needed reassurance. Oneshot. CB


A/N: I'm in the midst of trying to pull myself out of TVland for the rest of week & writing up the epilogue to my latest 2-part fic, but the sole CB scene in tonight's episode is just gnawing at me. I had to write this. Please review. =)

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

…

It was stupid of him to think that he could honestly team up with Jack without there being serious repercussions. Even if they did get Bass Industries back, Jack wouldn't let it go without a fight, and Chuck had never been particularly skilled in winning those wars – the last two years case in point. But, and she cursed herself for this, it wasn't the whole Jack situation that worried her most. Maybe it was just that moment, or maybe she had worried herself sick so much already that her heart had decided to take a break on that sector. The switch was not exactly welcomed.

It was the way he'd said it, the way he'd announced to the table that he was heading off for the holidays – overseas, taking the liberty to ravage every willing female there – right in front of her. She contemplated now that it might have just been code to her and some sort of cover-up to everyone else so they wouldn't pester him about the trap he was walking into that he somehow managed to not see. She herself had been allowed about .2 seconds to interrogate him. It had been particularly irritating how fast the elevator came and went, barely leaving a breath of words between them in the time it took for the doors to open and close with Chuck behind them.

The frustration from her mini-interrogation of his future activities regarding none other than the deceitful _Jack Bass_ though, had subsided. Now she just hurt. Because he was back to being Chuck and it hurt so bad, because in the last year he'd only slept with other girls during the period when they weren't together, and it was only to numb the pain. Now it was just going to be because that was what he did. He slept around. It wasn't news to anybody, even those who had been aware of how faithful he'd been while they were together. Briefly, she wondered if he ever even _felt_ that way about her still.

A week earlier when he'd solidified that they really shouldn't be together now, at least for awhile, she'd figured it was because he wanted her so desperately on that romantic (and _physical_) level and he couldn't have her. She'd loved him so much when she thought about it that night, because it was as if it was too painful to even really be interacting that much with her, because all he wanted was to be with her 100% on every single level. She couldn't help but respect that decision then because she could see the romantic in him and it nearly made her gush. It made her write their names in happy heart bubbles in her journal, because even though it might be awhile she felt with all her soul that he truly could not live without her so intimately forever.

When he'd left after breakfast, it had been different. She could usually detect what he was seeing fairly easily, but before he'd made eye contact with her on mentioning New Zealand, she'd thought he was torturing her on purpose. Maybe he wanted her to hurt as much as he was by the whole transaction they'd made on being with each other. That had ended up to probably not be the case, but it didn't make it any easier to listen to. She was crushed and felt her heart obliterated into a million pieces. The strangeness of having a few other things with Humphrey in common was amusing temporarily, but it didn't stop the ache in her heart from squeezing the very life out of her. She felt so…_without_ him. It was terrible. She _hated_ being Chuckless, even if it was for a good cause.

How she'd ended up at the Bass landing helipad she'd never know. Well, of course deep down she knew, but it was too soon to admit it to herself. Because she was crossing too many lines and she knew he wouldn't approve, he'd probably hurt her more just by trying to push her away gently. But she had to be there, she had to see him off, she had to ask him some questions because she couldn't wait until he'd moved on to get the answers from him. Of course there was that little voice in the back of her head that told her that there was no way in hell he could never move on from her, that being "on their own" meant exactly that, no one else included. But if he could have sex with randoms, she concluded, he could move on from her. It wasn't a very weighty argument, but her emotions were so swept up in him and how they'd _left_ for the _holidays_ – he'd be gone for at _least_ two _weeks_, and probably with more trouble when he returned – that she couldn't help but drown herself in it. It was too terribly easy to cry over him.

She took a deep breath and started walking towards him. He was standing at the edge of the helipad, looking out across the city and very casually up into the sky, waiting for his ride. His bags were still in the limo she guessed. That was also casually parked just some feet away. Briefly she wondered why his luggage was not outside with him – surely the helicopter would be there any moment – but she dismissed the notion. She was thinking too much, fussing about details that no one really needed to acknowledge.

"Chuck," she squeaked, cursing herself for it. She watched him as he turned and looked at her in confusion. She continued to breathe deeply as she walked towards him. She thought she noticed him tense but she couldn't be sure and maybe she didn't want to be. They were supposed to be keeping their distance and she shouldn't have been there. But couldn't not be there. Everything was just too unsettling.

"Blair." His brows furrowed, his voice echoing the confusion she'd seen on his face. "What are you doing here?" he asked, and she knew then that she shouldn't have come. She'd been having serious doubts all the way there, but now she was 99.999% sure that she should have listened to them.

"I'm not exactly…sure," she said, feeling her way around as she walked towards him so that they were relatively close. He concentrated hard on her face, trying to figure out what he could from her expressions.

"If this is about Jack…"

She shook her head, waved her hand about a bit in a dismissive gesture. "No, it's not about that," she assured him, meeting his eyes so he could feel assured. "I think it's incredibly stupid of you to go about getting the company back this way, but I am in no way going to stop you from doing it. I won't even try," she said honestly, because she wouldn't. She wouldn't get involved, not unless he asked her to. From what she'd seen that possibility was very unlikely. Her heart sunk a little more at that reminder.

He was silent for a long time. "Then…?" he finally offered up questioningly.

"I mean, it's not like we're a couple or anything," she continued to babble on, as if his one-word question and extended silence hadn't even happened. Her fingers fidgeted madly. "We're not friends, we're not anything. Who am I to give you any advice? I certainly have no right telling you what to do or what not to do. I…" She sighed loudly and then looked up at him, grateful that he hadn't interrupted her with another speech on how they couldn't be together. Still, she couldn't help but be wounded by his searching, piercing eyes that told her absolutely nothing. She smiled weakly and desperately wished she could move. It was a mistake to come. _It was a mistake, a mistake, a mistake. How many times had she called him a mistake in their initial arguments and break-ups?_ Now only holding out her heart for all to see was a mistake.

"I-I'm sorry," she said, sounding very apologetic. She shook her head, feeling more embarrassed by the second. "Have a good trip, Chuck, sex with strangers and all." One more plastered fake smile on her face and she turned away. She didn't know if his eyes had widened or if he had gaped, if he had clued in to why she might have come or how she was feeling. She didn't know anything. Those five and a half seconds before he called her name were the most painful she'd ever known.

"Blair." His voice was even and almost demanding, like he would somehow punish her if she didn't immediately stop walking so they could talk about why she'd come. She stilled for a moment because his voice always had that effect on her. Then she kept walking.

"Blair," he said again, and then the tears welled up in her eyes. She hated it. Hated what they'd become and that she'd even thought she needed to make something of herself. It was all very nice when looking into the future, but in the present it hurt horribly and she felt like she was the only one experiencing anything at all.

He said some more things that she didn't register. Her mind was so cloudy. She was only aware of him again when she felt his hand around her arm, spinning her body towards him. His eyes were so piercing she thought they would kill her where she stood.

"_Stop_ _moving_ I said," he told her. She blinked and steadied herself from how he'd spun her suddenly a beat later.

"What?" she asked, as if nothing had happened, but her breath was incredibly silent. He gawked at her, scoffing and nearly laughing in disbelief.

"What _was_ that?"

She swallowed hard, knowing she could not play the denial card a second time.

"That was me being stupid," she said, sliding her arm out of his grip. He released her and she took a step back, for safety's sake. She had to have _some_ control. He raised his eyebrows, demanding a more in-depth explanation. "And _this_ is me _leaving_ so I don't do it again," she said, snapping a bit.

He pursed his lips as if contemplating whether he should let her leave or not. When he said nothing more she took a few more steps back. "Good-bye, Chuck. Have a nice trip," she said again. Once more she turned around and started walking. She heard his loud sigh and knew he was going to say something, but hoped she could reach the end of the helipad before he managed to get it out. He couldn't wander too far after all. The helicopter was bound to show up any minute.

"I know it's hard," he said.

_Damn right._ She kept walking.

"But it really is best for us right now. We need to be on our own….figure things out We both think that."

_Like hell_.

"It was _your_ idea," he continued, and she thought that would make her mad but it didn't. She just remembered thinking how annoying it was that the helipad was such a large piece of cement property.

He sighed loudly again. "Everything's going to work with Jack too," he said, finally acknowledging aloud that he was indeed going to track down his horror of an uncle to get the Bass business back. Her hands clenched tightly because this was _so not_ about that.

She felt like she was going to explode. She didn't know whether to walk faster or slower, to sink her teeth into her skin or to yank at her hair. When she closed her eyes, colors spun around her. It was only when she felt him directly behind her that she registered she was still among the living. She opened her eyes at the sound of his voice.

"I'll be careful. I promise," he said earnestly when she'd turned to face him entirely. She nodded just to get rid of him.

"I know," she returned. She didn't know though, and at any other time, in some other time frame or circumstance, she would argue to the death with him about it. But not now. Now she needed to leave. "Good-bye, Chuck," she said.

She turned slower than usual this time, waiting to see if he would stop her again. Her heart sunk even further into the depths of her body when he showed no sign of doing so. _Well, what had she expected? _They had made a pact, and he was determined to keep his end of the bargain. She knew he'd hurt her emotionally if need be so she kept her end of the bargain. It just hurt so much. It felt so really over that she couldn't stand it. She was astonished by the fact that her tears hadn't spilled out of her eyes yet.

Despite it all, he managed to surprise her when he grabbed hold of her arm a second time and pulled her to him. He hesitated for long enough for her to understand what he'd just done but not nearly long enough for either of them to protest. He looked into her deep, desirous, bottomless dark brown eyes and then he closed his eyes and his lips covered hers. He kissed her long and deep, tasting every inch of her intoxicating mouth. When a small moan erupted from her some good seconds into it, he pulled back, but he didn't step away. He leaned his forehead against hers, slowly regaining his breath. Her breathing intermingled with the loud beats of his heart made it difficult to do. She was the first to bring her head back, to look into _his_ deep fathomless eyes.

"I shouldn't have done that," he said, stroking the side of her face, glorying in the soft sweetness of her skin. Then he looked back into her eyes. She was speechless, wondering now how it was possible what had just had happened. She was sure it must have been some sort of miraculous, wonderful dream.

"Not forever?" she squeaked softly, hoping she wouldn't have to explain herself. Because it had nothing to do with what he'd just said or done, but it had _everything_ to do with what had happened since she'd first approached him on that Bass helipad.

"No." He shook his head, smiling softly as he still continued to stroke her cheek. He leaned dipped his head down again to brush his lips against hers once more. She could feel the restraint in him and knew that _this time_ she'd _have_ to leave. But she didn't want to. She wanted to stay nestled in his arms forever.

"Not forever," he whispered against her neck as he gently pulled her against him in a soft, warm hug. Her arms came around his waist and her face nestled snugly against his chest. _Oh, why couldn't it be this way forever? Why couldn't she just always know the safety and the love of being in his arms? Why would the threat of him moving on and not loving her ever again return the second she woke up the next morning, maybe even sooner? _Because forever was a long time, and loving more than one person was unfortunately allowed.

"I love you, Chuck," she choked out, a single tear running down her face. She tilted her face against his jacket so it would wipe the tear away.

"I love you too," he said, pulling away from her, cupping her face again and swooping one last time for a gentling kiss that he hoped would last him through the holidays. She hoped it would last her too. Because Dan Humphrey so often around her and skanks wearing almost nothing around him were hardly as wonderful as this. She saw the love in his eyes and wanted to cry again, because he was so beautiful and she wouldn't have him for the longest time.

"You've got to stop doing this," he whispered to her, getting lost in her eyes again. His hands sifted through her hair. She shivered slightly, thrilling in the feel of it. "I'm not ignoring you because I want to."

She nodded softly and he smiled softly, pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead. He sighed before backing away completely. "See, I can't stop kissing you." He chuckled lightly and she let herself smile a little, a real one.

"Thank-you, Chuck." She sighed somewhat contently, looking at him with curious child-like eyes. His smile was gentle, like that of a lover and friend. She wondered when she'd see it next, if she would ever see it again unless fate was extremely kind to her.

He reached for her hand and pressed a warm kiss to the back of it, smiling slyly as he released it back to her side. "Happy Holidays, Waldorf," he said softly. Slowly he started to turn away from her. The sound of the helicopter blades could be heard approaching.

"Same to you, Bass."

The twinkle in her eyes stayed there until she reached her limo. When he'd turned all the way away from her she'd turned back to where she'd been going as well. She couldn't watch him any longer or she'd never leave.

On the way back to the city she contemplated the events that had just taken place. She remembered his lips on hers, his arms wrapped around her and the words he'd whispered against her. He really was still so very in love with her. The knowledge gave her shivers. Every time she heard those words of love she envisioned their future together and how very beautiful it would be. She would not regret seeing him off. For all the anxiety it has caused her both before and during, she would not regret it for the world.

…

A/N: I really was going to cut if off like half-way through because I was feeling depressed. I was going to leave it on an angsty note! But then I thought how much more I love happy reviews. Lol. So, I gave it a more hopeful ending. Hope you enjoyed. ;p Please review.


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